So NOW She Sucks? (Or, how the rise and fall of Britney Spears is a reflection of our own ridiculous values)

AP Photo

Britney Spears gave a laughably bad performance of a laughably bad song on the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards last Sunday and our great nation reacted as if it was surprised by the whole thing.

After almost a decade of dominating popular music with her brand of over-processed bubble gum crap, American viewers awoke as if from some dream state to find that their former Jailbait Princess was a bad lip-syncer and below average dancer. They rushed to their computers to joyfully confirm that, yes, they had noticed it too, and wasn't she AWFUL??? OMG ROFL!!! Did you SEE her? She looked so FAT!!!

Indeed, this seems to be the most common review of the performance in the anonymously vicious land of Cyberspace: She looked fat up there. And it wasn't just on random blog and message board postings. CNN.com bemoaned "The paunch in place of Spears' once-taut belly. " The New York Post featured a headline reading "Lard and Clear."

Granted, she brought this upon herself by showing so much skin... Perhaps she would have been better off bringing back the "Oops I Did It Again" outfit (though I'm probably giving her too much credit in suggesting she had anything whatsoever to do with the planning of this performance). Still, it's a little sad that we have gotten to the point where someone with Britney Spears' lack of talent and intellect can pretend to perform a horrible, horrible song on national television and the prevailing issues are her tummy and her cellulite.

See, we'll tolerate her lazy corporate cookie-cutter pop songs and her walking around a stage with a boa constrictor lip-syncing "I'm a Slave 4 U" as long as she is hot. But if she ever has a few babies and doesn't shed her mommy weight, we're done....

...well, done with her music anyway. We still want to see pictures of her drunkenly parading around Beverly Hills. It's amusing, and more importantly, it fills a small void in our increasingly empty lives. We hate ourselves, but at least we're not a TRAINWRECK like that girl! And did you hear Paris Hilton wants to have a baby???

Thankfully this likely marks the end of Spears' career as a recording artist. But we haven't seen the last of her, thanks to our obsession with celebrity and decadence. Her career has been one long drawn out strip show, interrupted briefly by K-Fed and a couple of babies, and it will likely come to its logical conclusion when she accepts a large sum of money to appear completely naked in a men's magazine which will be gobbled up by a thousand idiots so they can pleasure themselves to CG images that look nothing like the actual Britney Spears.

Public Airings 74907-C, Rep. Ingersol's Murder Of A Hobo

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog at the Tonys

The People's Sopranos Finale

Since so many people were disappointed in the series finale of The Sopranos, I’ve decided to write the alternate version which should satisfy the general public’s thirst for action and closure.

THE PEOPLE'S SOPRANOS FINALE

Scene 1: The Safe House

The episode opens as Tony awakes at the safe house, still clutching a gun in his hand. Laying there, he doses back to sleep and begins to dream. He’s at the dock with Christopher and Adrianna.

Christopher: Hey Ton’, I’m gonna go grab a cannoli, you want I should bring you anything?

Tony: No thanks.

Christopher exits, leaving Tony and Adrianna behind.

Adrianna: Well, here we are….

Scene abruptly jumps to Tony’s bedroom where Adrianna and Tony are kissing passionately. Tony throws Adrianna onto the bed and rips her top open revealing her glorious breasts. Adrianna opens her mouth to moan, but instead it’s Paulie’s voice.

Paulie: Tony, you awake?

Tony wakes up. Paulie is standing in the doorway.

Tony: What is it?

Paulie: Phil’s boys know we’re here. They’re on their way.

Tony: What? How did they find out?

Paulie (pulling a gun from his waist): Because I told them you mother fucker.

Tony: You? But why?

Paulie: I’m sick of you treating me like an inferior. I’ve been at this thing for years and I get no respect! Well no more. I’m joining the New York crew and you’re going down.

Paulie pulls the trigger but the gun is jammed.

Paulie: Oh Christ.

Tony takes the opportunity to grab his AR-10 and blow Paulie’s head off.

Tony: Bada bing, bada boom.

The sound of SUVs can be heard outside. Tony hurries out of bed and crawls to the window to peak outside. Phil and his henchmen are waiting on the front lawn.

Phil: Come on out Tony, it’s over. We have you surrounded.

Tony: Over my ass!

Tony pulls out his birthday gun and opens fire, taking out three of Phil’s men. Phil takes cover as the rest of his henchmen return fire. Tony hurries out of the bedroom to find another place to shoot from.

Phil (outside): You can run but you can’t hide, mother fucker!

Over the next 20 minutes, Tony shoots at New York henchmen from various parts of the house. In all, he guns down thirty five of Phil’s men, sustaining only a wound to the shoulder.Tony stumbles downstairs to see Phil standing by the front door with a gun pointed at him.

Phil: I’ve got you now.

Tony stops, defeated. He lowers his AR-10.

Tony: Please Phil, it doesn’t have to end like this. Why can’t we just work something out?

Phil: I’m through negotiating, Soprano. I spent twenty years negotiating with other inmates to protect my own asshole. Now I make the rules. I hope you’ve made peace with your God and said goodbye to your family. Goodbye, Tony Soprano.

As Phil begins to squeeze the trigger, Agent Harris kicks open the front door (slow motion) and guns down Phil from behind. Slow motion shot of Phil dropping the gun and falling forward, coming to a dramatic crash on the hardwood floor.

Harris: I thought I’d find you here.

Tony: Thank God.

Harris: Sorry I’m late. There was a bomb. Los Angeles is gone. Nuked. We found out the details too late.

Tony: Wow, I can’t believe it. A whole city?

Harris: It was awful. Those bastards! I should have done more. My mother lives there, but I can’t get through to her phone.

Tony: I’m sorry, is there anything I can do?

Harris: Actually, you’ve got your own problems. Your son is at the hospital. There’s been an… incident.

Tony: An incident?

Harris: AJ tried to kill himself again. He hung himself with his belt in your basement. Carmela found him, but she may have been too late. It doesn’t look good, Tony.

Tony hurries out.

Scene 2: The Hospital.

Tony gets off the elevator to find Carmela, Meadow, Patsy Jr. and Rhiannon in the waiting room. Carmela rushes to her husband.

Carmela: Oh God, Tony!

She buries her head into Tony’s shoulder and sobs.

Tony: Where is he?

He rushes towards the room where AJ is being kept. A Nurse stops him.

Nurse: I’m sorry, sir, no visitors at this time.

Tony: Get outta my fuckin way bitch! He shoves the Nurse into the wall.

Tony enters AJ’s room to find him unconscious and in critical condition. He sits down beside him and puts his hands on his face.

Tony: How could you do this to us? S’amatta with you? Haven’t we given you a good life? Haven’t we done enough? Don’t you know this is killing your mother?

Suddenly AJ’s heart stops beating as the monitor blares a sustained beep.

Tony: AJ? AJ! NOOOOOO!!!!

Tony tries to revive him to no avail. Doctors rush in and pull him away as he sobs for his dead son.

Scene 3: AJ’s funeral.

All of the Sopranos are there, along with Silvio, who is in a wheelchair. During the eulogy, Carmela begins to sob.

Carmela: What did we do? We should have listened to him! We killed him!!

Tony slaps Carmela across the face.

Tony: Get a hold of yourself!

Scene 4: Dr. Melfi’s office.

Melfi: You can’t blame yourself. Your son carried the burdens of the world on his own shoulders and he couldn’t handle it.

Tony: Thanks. I just wish there was something more I could have done.

Melfi: I think it’s good that you’ve come back to talk about it. And if I may be frank, I’m personally glad to see you again.

Tony: I’m glad to see you too. Sorry about the magazine thing.

Melfi: I don’t think it’s any secret that I’ve always been attracted to you.

She begins to unbutton her blouse.

Tony: I had a feeling.

He walks over to Dr. Melfi, unbuttoning his shirt. He picks her up out of her chair and throws her onto her desk, ripping open her blouse and revealing her (body double’s) glorious breasts. They make passionate love.

Scene 5: The Soprano house

Tony is eating cereal in the kitchen. Carmela is cleaning, still somber about the death of their son. She turns to Tony.

Carmela: I think we should move.

Suddenly, a bullet goes through her head, her blood splashing across Tony’s face.

Tony: Carm!

Meadow is in the shower upstairs bathing her glorious breasts when she hears the gun shot and her father’s cry. She quickly runs downstairs, not bothering to cover herself with a towel.
Back in the kitchen, Tony holds his wife’s head as the life escapes her. He looks out the window and sees Valery, the escaped Russian from the “Pine Barrens” episode. (Flashback to scenes from “Pine Barrens” to remind viewers who Valery is)

Valery: Payback is a bitch, cocksucker.

Tony emerges from the house as Valery puts several bullets into his chest. Un phased, Tony continues towards Valery and punches him. Valery drops the gun and fights back. A fistfight ensues, and in the end, Tony pummels Valery’s face to an unrecognizable bloody pulp.

Exhausted and bullet-riddled, Tony lays down. Meadow rushes out of the house, still nude, and kneels by his side.

Meadow: Daddy! Please don’t die!

Tony: I love you, sweetie. I’m sorry I won’t be able to see you get married and I won’t be able to see my grandchildren some day.

Meadow: I’m pregnant!

Tony starts to get angry but his anger subsides. He coughs blood.

Tony: I’m so proud of you. Goodbye.

Tony dies. Meadow buries her head into his chest and sobs. The camera pans away from above as we see the pool of blood beneath Tony spread. The camera then angles towards the sky and we see a flock of ducks fly by.

Screen goes black, Frank Sinatra's "My Way" plays over the credits

The end................?

We are Witnesses

Created by SpursTalk poster "chorizo overdose".

Link

Yellow Ledbetter lyric interpretation

It's going to be worse than we could have possibly imagined

God help us all...

Carbon Credit scams got you down? I can help you cut out the middle man!

The Financial Times has published findings that damage the credibility of the highly-regarded Carbon Credit industry. In short, it appears that many offsetting firms are simply taking money from rich people with guilty consciences, but these donations are doing little or nothing to really reduce emissions.

So I propose a new plan. Cut out the middle man and pay me. I can give you my personal guarantee that, with adequate funding, I will greatly reduce my energy and utility usage... contributing in a positive way towards the environment.

I know there are a lot of celebrities and other public figures who feel the need to give back to the environment. They are an inspiration to us all, courageously contributing millions of dollars in the hopes of carbon neutralizing the mansion-and-private-jet lifestyles they lead. And what do they get for such good intentions?

They get exploited by greedy creditors, and can never be sure if their dollars are truly contributing to the well-being of Mother Earth.

But I can promise to do more.

All I ask is for a relatively small donation from anyone who has been purchasing carbon credits. My hope is to acquire a total sum of approximately $25 million, which will allow me to fully devote myself to a brand new carbon-reduced lifestyle. This may sound like a large sum of money, particularly to my regular readers, but in reality it's only a $1 million donation from 25 people who are as wealthy as, or wealthier than, former Vice President Al Gore.

I pledge to do my part to offset some of the energy used by those who require high levels in order to maintain a comfortable lifestyle. The following is a list of ways I will reduce my energy usage:

I will quit my job

While the car I drive gets better gas mileage than most, I can eliminate close to 80% of my gas usage and other hazardous auto emissions if I cut out the hour I spend commuting to and from work every day. With enough contributions from carbon-neutral donors, I can simply purchase a home that is located near the places I typically frequent (electronics stores, restaurants, Toys R Us, etc) so I can simply ride a bicycle.

Since I will not be working, I will need enough of a base fund so that the interest I gain can act as my income. This is why I am asking for such a substantial amount of money, but again, it's a lot less menacing if you imagine the funding being split by many wealthy donors.

With additional donations, I can help family members relocate nearby, thus cutting out most of the extended travel in my automobile.

I will no longer pee inside

As every man knows, the only thing better about being a man than the avoidance of childbirth is the ability to piss anywhere on God's green, urine-soaked earth. As the owner of a home with a fenced back yard, I can just as easily walk outside to piss on a tree as I can walk to the master bathroom. And this way I don't have to worry about remembering to put the toilet seat back down.

The amount of water it takes to flush a toilet made after 1982 is 1.6 gallons. If I assume I will piss at home three times a day, that calculates to 1,752 gallons of water saved per year. This does not include public pissings, so whenever possible I will utilize parks or abandoned buildings to relieve myself. In any circumstance where these are not options and I am forced to use a conventional toilet or urinal, I will avoid flushing.

Please note this applies only to the "Number One" method of commode use. With a higher level of donations, additional water savings can be accumulated if I do not wash my hands or shower daily.

I will remove all clocks from my home

Who needs them? I won't be on any schedule that my DVR can't handle on its own, so I can save significant wattage by removing all of the digital clocks. There will also be no need for alarms, and given that I typically hit the "snooze" button five or six times per morning, this will save enough energy per year to power the altimeter on John Travolta's jet.

I will not purchase a battery-powered toothbrush

I do not currently own a battery-powered toothbrush, but with your donations, I pledge to resist the savvy marketing and dentist recommendations that have led so many others to ditch conventional brushing.

I will pave my yard with cement

This will eliminate the need for yardwork, thereby saving nearly 3 gallons of gasoline per year that would normally power my lawnmower and weed-eater.

I will change the Sleep Mode setting on my computer from 15 minutes to 5 minutes

This really needs no explanation.


As you can see, I am prepared for drastic lifestyle changes in order to assist my morally superior peers who wish to pay for carbon-neutral lifestyles. I am also open to suggestions, provided they do not interfere with my TV viewing, Internet usage, or homemade power generator hobby.

So to those of you who have stumbled upon my little blog in search of an alternative to your current Carbon Credit form, or for anyone else who has more money than they know what to do with (don't burn it, that creates pollution) you may donate to the cause via the secure Paypal link below. Thank you for your support and happy flying!

24 is a mess

I may be done after this season. I've said this before, but last night when I watched this week's episode on DVR, I came to the stunning realization that I really don't care about this show anymore. My ADD kicked in around the 15 minute mark and I wandered to my computer. Next thing I knew, the show was at the 40 minute mark... I hadn't fast forwarded through commercials and I didn't have a clue what had transpired in the previous 25 minutes.

24 has had flaws from the beginning. Hell, season 1 had an amnesia plot twist and the worst foreign accent in television history (supplied by one Dennis Hopper). With each season, the timeline has gotten more relaxed and the cameo appearances more arbitrary.

This year, it seems the writers built an exoskeleton of cameos and wrote the story last (okay, we've got six episodes with James Carville, then we can do four with President Logan and his ex - she was GREAT last season! - then we've secured Powers Boothe and the kid from Silver Spoons to do the rest of the season, so we need to give them significant chunks of the storyline .... and we end the season with Audrey, because there's only one way to up the ante after a nuclear crisis is avoided: threaten to kill off Jack's former girlfriend. Gold!!)

What finally blew it for me was Jack betraying the nation for a former girlfriend. In Seasons 1-5, I'd have believed Jack Bauer would put a bullet in his own daughter's head if it would save the President of the United States. But now he's willing to risk World War III in order to rescue some chick he used to bang a couple years back? "Weak" would be an understatement.

It's just as well. My DVR is overworked as it is and frankly I need to cut a few shows loose. As much as I'd love to include 24 in me and the wife's weekly television lineup, as Jack Bauer would say, there's no time.

Time for AMC to change the name of its network

They're not the first offenders as far as misleading names (Steak & Shake, Milwaukee's Best), or even the first cable network to have a name that no longer fits the program content (MTV, Fox News), but American Movie Classics (AMC) is in danger of rendering the term "Classic" meaningless as it heavily promotes the latest film in its lineup:

There has been a noticeable difference in the quality of films offered up by TMC and AMC for the better part of the last decade (also featured on this week's schedule: Hero, Fletch Lives, Poltergeist 3, Volcano TWICE, Ladder 49 and Psycho II and III) , but this is the most glaring insult to Cinema leveled by AMC. Not only will they be showing the film, they are promoting it on other networks... as though people are going to set their DVRs for an edited and commercially-interrupted version of the worst movie of 2004.

NBA Awards

It's that time of year again. Time for the top 60% of NBA teams to begin the real quest for supremacy in the league. Time for fans to pay way too much for a used jersey on ebay. Time for sports columnists to whine about the NBA lacking the excitement it once had. (Poor sports writers. It must be such an unfulfilling occupation. I know I wouldn't trade jobs with them.)

And time for predictions and awards.

I'll start with awards. Predictions to come later, if I have time. (In case I don't, here's a summary: Spurs over Pistons. There.)

6th Man of the Year: Leandro Barbosa


Apologies to Manu, but he started for almost half of the year and I can't in good conscience give this award to anyone who hasn't come off the bench for a significant majority of the season. Especially when there's an equally deserving player who has.

Barbosa, I think, is a product of the Suns system. I have a hard time seeing his reckless abandon succeeding on many other teams. But he's been a key component of the Suns' offensive attack and has basically carried their bench while Mike D'Antoni continues his refusal to go deeper than seven or eight players in any given game.


Most Improved: Monta Ellis


Came out of nowhere to embrace Nellieball and become a consistent contributor in helping a team that had two very different lineups this season scratch their way into the Playoffs. Another great second round find by the Warriors, if he can improve his jump shot he could be a potential All Star.


Defensive Player of the Year: Bruce Bowen


This may be a homer pick, but dammit he's been screwed out of this award two or three times. Many Spurs fans will tell you he's lost a step this season, but he's still the league's best perimeter defender. The Spurs are the best defensive team in the league, and I think you could make a case for Bowen and Duncan. But my pick is Bowen because, while Duncan spends much of his time defending the secondary post player, Bowen typically guards the other team's key perimeter threat.

Unfortunately, this has historically been the most lazily-voted award, and it takes a substantial amount of hype for a perimeter player to win (see Ron Artest). My guess is that the voters check the Blocks stat and give the award to Jermaine O'neal or Marcus Camby.


Rookie of the Year: Brandon Roy


Who gets to see rookies much anyway? They all play for crappy teams who are never on national broadcasts. Roy looked very mature in a game I watched earlier this season and his numbers back up his candidacy, so he's my pick. But frankly, I couldn't care less about this year's rookie class.


Now, I've lumped the next two awards together because each one of my choices for these awards influenced my other choice. I'll explain.

Coach of the Year: Avery Johnson


I had two paragraphs written about what Jeff Van Gundy has done in Houston this year, and I maintain that he has done a fantastic job leading a team missing half of its core to Home Court in the first round of the Western Conference Playoffs.

But Avery Johnson is the heart and soul of the team that has been the best in the league since the second week of the season. He's instilled a Champion, professional, and defense-focused attitude into a team that was considered one of the NBA's softest only a few short years ago.

While Dirk Nowitzki is clearly their most important player, the Mavericks have been successful due to team chemistry and unselfishness, and I would guess no one would have ever though you could see Jason Terry and Jerry Stackhouse fitting into that kind of system 5 years ago.

It's hard for coaches to win this award twice in a row. Voters like surprise stories of Lottery Teams making the Playoffs, or (as will likely be the case this year) lifetime achievement awards for coaches who have never won it. With Avery at the helm, it's hard to see this team being any worse than the 3rd or 4th best team in the West even if any one of their players was lost for the season. And given that.....


MVP: Tracy McGrady


Again, I had Dirk's justification almost finished, but as I was writing about why Dirk should win the MVP, I began to realize that what I was really writing was an argument for Avery Johnson being the Coach of the Year. Meanwhile, I looked back at my write-up for Van Gundy and became aware of what an accomplishment it was for Tracy McGrady to lead the Rockets to home court in the first round in the West. As great a coach as Van Gundy is, none of that would be possible without TMac doing the grunt work with Yao out for half of the season... not only as the primary scoring weapon, but as a playmaker and teammate.

While much hype at the beginning of the year was devoted to Kobe playing team ball, Tracy McGrady has been able to bring the best out of players like Rafer Alston and Chuck Hayes. Think about it, for half of this season the Rockets roster was TMac, Alston, Hayes, Shane Battier and Dikembe Mutumbo. And they're still essentially the fourth seed in the West.

So while I would be perfectly fine with Dirk winning this, and I give him extra points for deserving the award last season, I think what McGrady has done this year has been remarkable and criminally underappreciated.

Unintentional comedy gold

Reinactment of 2003 Gary Payton strip club fight in Toronto

Lesson for those of you handling Presidential campaigns

John McCain's MySpace gets pwnz3wdwd

I forgot how hot She-Ra was...

30 minutes of 80's Cartoon Openings:



Others can be found here... and you can follow th Related Videos section for more.

Nostaligia is the balls.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTwwbS1IXNo&mode=related&search=

Microsoft unveils the ZunePhone

Only $9!!

For those keeping score, that's Melissa Etheridge 1, Martin Scorcese 1

Ill-informed man claims to be father of Britney Spears' child

Pop-culturally confused Gary Frendltrout made the befuddling claim today that he is the biological father of Britney Spears' child in an effort to extort a large inheritance from the still-living Spears.

"I loved Britney deeply and passionately," said Frendltrout in a statement to a stunned group of reporters who had gathered hastily after seeing the words "father" and "Spears" in one sentence. "She was the world to me, and now that she has passed on, our daughter will be my reason for living."

Neither Spears nor ex-husband Kevin Federline could be reached for comment.

Journey, as performed by Metal Skool, Tony Romo and Mr. Belding.

Surreal.

She's like our Princess Di

The Daily Show with hilarious analysis of the Media's coverage of the death of Anna Nicole something-or-other.

Observations from the Grammys

- As little respect as I have for the actual Grammy Award itself, the Grammys are probably the best awards show going right now because it's only about 30% awards/speeches. The stage performances are usually very good, and the artists on stage aren't overshadowed by superfluous bullcrap like they are in the MTV Video Music Awards.

- The Police reunion was a bit disappointing since they only played one song and it was the most predictable choice. I'd have preferred "Message in a Bottle." I won't be able to afford tickets to the reunion tour, but I may have to pick up the DVD.

- Why is it that for the past ten years we've been told over and over that Mary J. Blige is Hip Hop/R&B royalty? Every time she's introduced before a performance it's as though we're about to witness the resurrection of Etta James, a thinner Aretha Franklin, or a sober Whitney Houston. And every time, I'm completely underwhelmed. Probably just hateration on my part.

- Smokey Robinson still sounds amazing. What a classic voice.

- The Grammys love Tony Bennett like Germans love David Hasselhoff. Dude won Album of the Year in 1994. Seriously, look it up.

- James Blunt allegedly wrote "You're Beautiful" in 3 minutes. I'm surprised it took him that long. Lamest lyrics since the last song I tried to write.

- Pop singers I'm not afraid to admit I like: Justin Timberlake and Christina Aguilera.

- "Not Ready to Make Nice" pulls of the Awards of Redundancy Awards Double Victory with Record of the Year and Song of the Year. I'd have preferred it if they spread out the awards a little by giving one of those to a song that didn't suck.