The Financial Times has published findings that damage the credibility of the highly-regarded Carbon Credit industry. In short, it appears that many offsetting firms are simply taking money from rich people with guilty consciences, but these donations are doing little or nothing to really reduce emissions.
So I propose a new plan. Cut out the middle man and pay me. I can give you my personal guarantee that, with adequate funding, I will greatly reduce my energy and utility usage... contributing in a positive way towards the environment.
I know there are a lot of celebrities and other public figures who feel the need to give back to the environment. They are an inspiration to us all, courageously contributing millions of dollars in the hopes of carbon neutralizing the mansion-and-private-jet lifestyles they lead. And what do they get for such good intentions?
They get exploited by greedy creditors, and can never be sure if their dollars are truly contributing to the well-being of Mother Earth.
But I can promise to do more.
All I ask is for a relatively small donation from anyone who has been purchasing carbon credits. My hope is to acquire a total sum of approximately $25 million, which will allow me to fully devote myself to a brand new carbon-reduced lifestyle. This may sound like a large sum of money, particularly to my regular readers, but in reality it's only a $1 million donation from 25 people who are as wealthy as, or wealthier than, former Vice President Al Gore.
I pledge to do my part to offset some of the energy used by those who require high levels in order to maintain a comfortable lifestyle. The following is a list of ways I will reduce my energy usage:
So I propose a new plan. Cut out the middle man and pay me. I can give you my personal guarantee that, with adequate funding, I will greatly reduce my energy and utility usage... contributing in a positive way towards the environment.
I know there are a lot of celebrities and other public figures who feel the need to give back to the environment. They are an inspiration to us all, courageously contributing millions of dollars in the hopes of carbon neutralizing the mansion-and-private-jet lifestyles they lead. And what do they get for such good intentions?
They get exploited by greedy creditors, and can never be sure if their dollars are truly contributing to the well-being of Mother Earth.
But I can promise to do more.
All I ask is for a relatively small donation from anyone who has been purchasing carbon credits. My hope is to acquire a total sum of approximately $25 million, which will allow me to fully devote myself to a brand new carbon-reduced lifestyle. This may sound like a large sum of money, particularly to my regular readers, but in reality it's only a $1 million donation from 25 people who are as wealthy as, or wealthier than, former Vice President Al Gore.
I pledge to do my part to offset some of the energy used by those who require high levels in order to maintain a comfortable lifestyle. The following is a list of ways I will reduce my energy usage:
While the car I drive gets better gas mileage than most, I can eliminate close to 80% of my gas usage and other hazardous auto emissions if I cut out the hour I spend commuting to and from work every day. With enough contributions from carbon-neutral donors, I can simply purchase a home that is located near the places I typically frequent (electronics stores, restaurants, Toys R Us, etc) so I can simply ride a bicycle.
Since I will not be working, I will need enough of a base fund so that the interest I gain can act as my income. This is why I am asking for such a substantial amount of money, but again, it's a lot less menacing if you imagine the funding being split by many wealthy donors.
With additional donations, I can help family members relocate nearby, thus cutting out most of the extended travel in my automobile.
As every man knows, the only thing better about being a man than the avoidance of childbirth is the ability to piss anywhere on God's green, urine-soaked earth. As the owner of a home with a fenced back yard, I can just as easily walk outside to piss on a tree as I can walk to the master bathroom. And this way I don't have to worry about remembering to put the toilet seat back down.
The amount of water it takes to flush a toilet made after 1982 is 1.6 gallons. If I assume I will piss at home three times a day, that calculates to 1,752 gallons of water saved per year. This does not include public pissings, so whenever possible I will utilize parks or abandoned buildings to relieve myself. In any circumstance where these are not options and I am forced to use a conventional toilet or urinal, I will avoid flushing.
Please note this applies only to the "Number One" method of commode use. With a higher level of donations, additional water savings can be accumulated if I do not wash my hands or shower daily.
Who needs them? I won't be on any schedule that my DVR can't handle on its own, so I can save significant wattage by removing all of the digital clocks. There will also be no need for alarms, and given that I typically hit the "snooze" button five or six times per morning, this will save enough energy per year to power the altimeter on John Travolta's jet.
I do not currently own a battery-powered toothbrush, but with your donations, I pledge to resist the savvy marketing and dentist recommendations that have led so many others to ditch conventional brushing.
This will eliminate the need for yardwork, thereby saving nearly 3 gallons of gasoline per year that would normally power my lawnmower and weed-eater.
This really needs no explanation.
As you can see, I am prepared for drastic lifestyle changes in order to assist my morally superior peers who wish to pay for carbon-neutral lifestyles. I am also open to suggestions, provided they do not interfere with my TV viewing, Internet usage, or homemade power generator hobby.
So to those of you who have stumbled upon my little blog in search of an alternative to your current Carbon Credit form, or for anyone else who has more money than they know what to do with (don't burn it, that creates pollution) you may donate to the cause via the secure Paypal link below. Thank you for your support and happy flying!
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