Public Airings 74907-C, Rep. Ingersol's Murder Of A Hobo

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog at the Tonys

The People's Sopranos Finale

Since so many people were disappointed in the series finale of The Sopranos, I’ve decided to write the alternate version which should satisfy the general public’s thirst for action and closure.

THE PEOPLE'S SOPRANOS FINALE

Scene 1: The Safe House

The episode opens as Tony awakes at the safe house, still clutching a gun in his hand. Laying there, he doses back to sleep and begins to dream. He’s at the dock with Christopher and Adrianna.

Christopher: Hey Ton’, I’m gonna go grab a cannoli, you want I should bring you anything?

Tony: No thanks.

Christopher exits, leaving Tony and Adrianna behind.

Adrianna: Well, here we are….

Scene abruptly jumps to Tony’s bedroom where Adrianna and Tony are kissing passionately. Tony throws Adrianna onto the bed and rips her top open revealing her glorious breasts. Adrianna opens her mouth to moan, but instead it’s Paulie’s voice.

Paulie: Tony, you awake?

Tony wakes up. Paulie is standing in the doorway.

Tony: What is it?

Paulie: Phil’s boys know we’re here. They’re on their way.

Tony: What? How did they find out?

Paulie (pulling a gun from his waist): Because I told them you mother fucker.

Tony: You? But why?

Paulie: I’m sick of you treating me like an inferior. I’ve been at this thing for years and I get no respect! Well no more. I’m joining the New York crew and you’re going down.

Paulie pulls the trigger but the gun is jammed.

Paulie: Oh Christ.

Tony takes the opportunity to grab his AR-10 and blow Paulie’s head off.

Tony: Bada bing, bada boom.

The sound of SUVs can be heard outside. Tony hurries out of bed and crawls to the window to peak outside. Phil and his henchmen are waiting on the front lawn.

Phil: Come on out Tony, it’s over. We have you surrounded.

Tony: Over my ass!

Tony pulls out his birthday gun and opens fire, taking out three of Phil’s men. Phil takes cover as the rest of his henchmen return fire. Tony hurries out of the bedroom to find another place to shoot from.

Phil (outside): You can run but you can’t hide, mother fucker!

Over the next 20 minutes, Tony shoots at New York henchmen from various parts of the house. In all, he guns down thirty five of Phil’s men, sustaining only a wound to the shoulder.Tony stumbles downstairs to see Phil standing by the front door with a gun pointed at him.

Phil: I’ve got you now.

Tony stops, defeated. He lowers his AR-10.

Tony: Please Phil, it doesn’t have to end like this. Why can’t we just work something out?

Phil: I’m through negotiating, Soprano. I spent twenty years negotiating with other inmates to protect my own asshole. Now I make the rules. I hope you’ve made peace with your God and said goodbye to your family. Goodbye, Tony Soprano.

As Phil begins to squeeze the trigger, Agent Harris kicks open the front door (slow motion) and guns down Phil from behind. Slow motion shot of Phil dropping the gun and falling forward, coming to a dramatic crash on the hardwood floor.

Harris: I thought I’d find you here.

Tony: Thank God.

Harris: Sorry I’m late. There was a bomb. Los Angeles is gone. Nuked. We found out the details too late.

Tony: Wow, I can’t believe it. A whole city?

Harris: It was awful. Those bastards! I should have done more. My mother lives there, but I can’t get through to her phone.

Tony: I’m sorry, is there anything I can do?

Harris: Actually, you’ve got your own problems. Your son is at the hospital. There’s been an… incident.

Tony: An incident?

Harris: AJ tried to kill himself again. He hung himself with his belt in your basement. Carmela found him, but she may have been too late. It doesn’t look good, Tony.

Tony hurries out.

Scene 2: The Hospital.

Tony gets off the elevator to find Carmela, Meadow, Patsy Jr. and Rhiannon in the waiting room. Carmela rushes to her husband.

Carmela: Oh God, Tony!

She buries her head into Tony’s shoulder and sobs.

Tony: Where is he?

He rushes towards the room where AJ is being kept. A Nurse stops him.

Nurse: I’m sorry, sir, no visitors at this time.

Tony: Get outta my fuckin way bitch! He shoves the Nurse into the wall.

Tony enters AJ’s room to find him unconscious and in critical condition. He sits down beside him and puts his hands on his face.

Tony: How could you do this to us? S’amatta with you? Haven’t we given you a good life? Haven’t we done enough? Don’t you know this is killing your mother?

Suddenly AJ’s heart stops beating as the monitor blares a sustained beep.

Tony: AJ? AJ! NOOOOOO!!!!

Tony tries to revive him to no avail. Doctors rush in and pull him away as he sobs for his dead son.

Scene 3: AJ’s funeral.

All of the Sopranos are there, along with Silvio, who is in a wheelchair. During the eulogy, Carmela begins to sob.

Carmela: What did we do? We should have listened to him! We killed him!!

Tony slaps Carmela across the face.

Tony: Get a hold of yourself!

Scene 4: Dr. Melfi’s office.

Melfi: You can’t blame yourself. Your son carried the burdens of the world on his own shoulders and he couldn’t handle it.

Tony: Thanks. I just wish there was something more I could have done.

Melfi: I think it’s good that you’ve come back to talk about it. And if I may be frank, I’m personally glad to see you again.

Tony: I’m glad to see you too. Sorry about the magazine thing.

Melfi: I don’t think it’s any secret that I’ve always been attracted to you.

She begins to unbutton her blouse.

Tony: I had a feeling.

He walks over to Dr. Melfi, unbuttoning his shirt. He picks her up out of her chair and throws her onto her desk, ripping open her blouse and revealing her (body double’s) glorious breasts. They make passionate love.

Scene 5: The Soprano house

Tony is eating cereal in the kitchen. Carmela is cleaning, still somber about the death of their son. She turns to Tony.

Carmela: I think we should move.

Suddenly, a bullet goes through her head, her blood splashing across Tony’s face.

Tony: Carm!

Meadow is in the shower upstairs bathing her glorious breasts when she hears the gun shot and her father’s cry. She quickly runs downstairs, not bothering to cover herself with a towel.
Back in the kitchen, Tony holds his wife’s head as the life escapes her. He looks out the window and sees Valery, the escaped Russian from the “Pine Barrens” episode. (Flashback to scenes from “Pine Barrens” to remind viewers who Valery is)

Valery: Payback is a bitch, cocksucker.

Tony emerges from the house as Valery puts several bullets into his chest. Un phased, Tony continues towards Valery and punches him. Valery drops the gun and fights back. A fistfight ensues, and in the end, Tony pummels Valery’s face to an unrecognizable bloody pulp.

Exhausted and bullet-riddled, Tony lays down. Meadow rushes out of the house, still nude, and kneels by his side.

Meadow: Daddy! Please don’t die!

Tony: I love you, sweetie. I’m sorry I won’t be able to see you get married and I won’t be able to see my grandchildren some day.

Meadow: I’m pregnant!

Tony starts to get angry but his anger subsides. He coughs blood.

Tony: I’m so proud of you. Goodbye.

Tony dies. Meadow buries her head into his chest and sobs. The camera pans away from above as we see the pool of blood beneath Tony spread. The camera then angles towards the sky and we see a flock of ducks fly by.

Screen goes black, Frank Sinatra's "My Way" plays over the credits

The end................?

We are Witnesses

Created by SpursTalk poster "chorizo overdose".

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Yellow Ledbetter lyric interpretation

It's going to be worse than we could have possibly imagined

God help us all...

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